Wednesday Windows 08.14.13 – Finding My Voice

I looked through a stack of papers trying to find a new pad to write on.  What I found was the “book” I had made as a child that I wanted sent out to publishers.  The book that I had asked to be send to publishers.  Finding that book changed me for a long time.  I slowly started to be this poised person that kept her writing to herself.  I had a lot of life in me and I still do.  I am finding my voice again.  It is a journey and it doesn’t end here.

This isn’t a self help blog.  This isn’t an autobiography or biography of any kind.  Yes, stories will be shared.  So it might toe the line a bit.  I am not going to give you a 12 step program.  What I am here to tell you is that there is a light!  You can pull through!  You can accomplish anything you set your mind to!  It is up to you and what you want to accomplish.  You have to want it for yourself and be ready to work for it.  Too many people give up too soon, I hope you are not one of those!

I am assuming it is going to be mostly women that are reading this.  Most men would never admit to reading a book like this.  It is all about how we perceive the world and how it perceives us.  Women and girls are to be cute and calm and keep to themselves.  If they speak out, they are bossy and too opinionated.  They should tone it down.  Be poised.  Do what their parents tell them.  Then make some man happy.  Oh goodness!  Now I am sounding on the edge of being a feminist.  Let me be real, I am a little bit of everything!  Take me as I am, there is no mold that holds me!

And let us not forget the men and boys.  They are to be strong.  They can’t show emotion.  They must always be the best and handle things with their fists because words are for women.  But wait, when women use words they are bossy and opinionated and that isn’t allowed.  Yet, this is what is told!  We are always told that women are the talkers and shouldn’t be.  So how are we expected to communicate.  Maybe that is part of the problem!

Society molds us.  Sad and true all in one.  We get so stuck on trying to be the way that others think we should be.  We try to fit in the mold.  And when we don’t, we feel like we are not good enough.  Our self worth goes out the window.  This is honestly something I struggle with on a daily basis.  What will my husband, kids, friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, random people I see, people who read online think about what I say, do, feel, view, and see.  As long as your moral compass is set right, who cares what they all think?  Why not just be you!  Embrace who you are!  And if that is a crazy random person that likes to be the center of attention, then go for it.  Now if it is someone that wants to put plastic wrap over the toilet seat and wait for the spill and reaction…you might need to adjust your moral compass!

I have spent so much time searching for approval from others in my life from others.  Needing to be the perfect child.  Wanting my family to get back together.  Wanting to get perfect grades.  Wanting to always be the student that the teachers relied on.  Wanting the perfect projects.  Wanting to be the best at sports.  Wanting to get my degree in mathematics because I didn’t get an A in an honors science class and the teacher said math was harder.  Wanting to be a perfect teacher.  Wanting to follow in my fathers footsteps.  Wanting to be able to start my own business like my mother did at one time.  I was wanting all of these things and seeking approval from others.  The whole time not knowing what it is that I want.  A lot of the things I wanted were suppressed for one reason or another.

I loved reading as a child!  Then when I was in middle school, they gave us our school records.  I took my finger and went over the words as I read.  There was a note there stating that I would do this.  What is more, I was reading this out loud to my friends.  Who then pointed out that I still read the same way!  I hated reading anything that took a long time to read.  So I was drawn to math and numbers.  There are only a few words.  I was and have always been a slow reader.  I would struggle with spelling.  I would struggle with pronouncing words.  I still do to some extent.  And honestly, I am still learning new things.  I have found the joy in reading again.  Some tell me it is me hiding from reality.  I call it enjoying the power of what words can make you experience and feel!

If this girl struggles with all of these things, what is she doing writing.  Why does she enjoy it.  In grade school, they encourage us to write and draw and act.  These are just the fun days.  You will have to get a real job later.  You can’t make it writing, acting, reading, painting, sewing, etc.  You can’t get a real job with real money that way.  So just get it out of your head or keep it as a hobby and nothing more.  So all of these creative avenues are suppressed in so many of us.  It breaks my heart.  So many of us have been broken by this belief system.  What is wrong with being a dreamer?  If you have the drive and work ethic, who says you can’t make it this way?

I had my journal and spiral notebooks.  I would write in private.  I didn’t really tell anyone about it.  I kept it to myself.  Because it isn’t a real job.  There is no way I can accomplish anything with it.  So I must hide it.  And I did.  I have a fear of allowing anyone to read what I write anymore.  Doing a blog was a big step for me.  I think it is part of the reason I keep walking away for extended periods of time and not writing anything.  Because who would want to read what I have to say?  And it is all this negativity that eats us alive.  It shouldn’t matter.  All that should matter is: DO I ENJOY IT?  And I do!

We did an activity at work.  And it really spoke to me.  I am in transition.  And I am happy to see that some of the qualities that I see as who I am still being found in me.  Even when I am at a job that requires me to be poised.  I am still hilarious, fearless, motivated, warm, and happy in the eyes of those I work with.  I love all of the things listed!  Strong is one I wish was there.  And I am not talking the I can bench press twice my weight strong!  I am talking strong as in every other sense of the word!  Though to me, fearless comes very close!

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I am a work in progress.  And I had someone tell me we all are.  And it is true!  We all need to find our voice.  Find who we are!  Find what it is that makes us happy and go after it!  I love inspiring others.  I love doing this in many ways.  Direct sales is one of them.  I am a passionate person, when I let me out!  When I break out of the mold!  I do this in other ways too!  I love to write.  I love to tell stories.  Everything I wrote always had a female lead that when faced with adversity found a way through.  Didn’t matter if it was a mystery, a thriller, a romance, a horror, a sci-fi thriller, or a comedy.  Wait…I don’t think I touched on horror or comedy.  Thought I had lots of ideas on the horror front!  I am a bit random and all over the place too.  But I always take you on a journey regardless.  I hope in the future to be fearless and take the leap towards really embracing who I am!  I hope I am not alone in finding my voice.  I hope you are all able to do the same!

Monique